Got this comment on one of my Facebook photos yesterday which made me laugh. From a cosmetic surgeon, funnily enough.
hi baby best figure
but baby u have lots of stretch marks get them treated u will be just yummy
My reply?
Ill be yummy after I get the stretch marks removed? Yes I have stretch marks. Im a real woman, Ive had a baby - and a life. Im proud of the fact Im real, not some cut to pieces, reinjected, fake tanned out of all human skin tone range, photo shopped, air brushed, pop candy, lad mag star wanna be. Im me, Im a mum, Im real, this is how I look in real life. I dont remove my hair/teeth/tits any other part of my body when I get into bed, I still look like who I am. Don't like it? Get a blow up doll.
------------------
How sad that a woman can't be just pale, with yes her marks from life, having lived. I dont think my stretch marks are excessive but I have had two pregnancies. Things happened in my life before the pregnancies that has led to other faded marks. I'm not a victim in life, Im a soldier.
I won't have a tummy tuck or a boob job, but then the only thing silicone about me when I do get (even!) older will be half the contents of my toy box.
Showing posts with label past life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past life. Show all posts
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Monday, 7 June 2010
World Domination
After asking today what I should blog about next, this title came about, for some mysterious reason.
Yes I have been on a bit of a world domination spree lately. Ok, not just lately I admit, it's in my blood, my nature, my character. I wasn't always this way. Used to be a doormat in my youth, but times change us and any knocks or bad experiences just callous the heart and make us harder. I have had my share of those, more than my fair share, in fact.
However in the words of beautiful Pink, 'I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned'.
Better to be harsh, embittered, hard, domineering and cynical than a naive, gullible, soppy, blase, innocent doormat? Well perhaps not for everyone, but this is my armour and I'd rather keep it on, thank you.
My protection is to be ruthless, cut-throat and vicious at times. Attack is the best form of defence after all. I can appear heartless, vindictive and ice cold, as anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of my ranting tirades will agree.
It is an awful way to view the world, perhaps, in some people's opinion. Why not be optimistic, expect the best from people, put faith in humanity? I would so love to be like that but we are only the sum of our experiences, and mine have taught me to be careful, very careful in dealing with the world and its people. I would rather expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised than put my faith in people or things just to yet again be let down.
There are only so many times you can be let down and your heart cut entirely into pieces before you lose the ability to just trust blindly. Once bitten twice shy, hell hath no fury.. all these sayings have an element of truth and reflect parts of the human psyche.
These days I use the fact that I look fairly innocent (I like to think, anyway) to my advantage. I don't think I look old and embittered, not as much as I feel at times anyway! I have come close to death several times and now I view life with different eyes. it is here to be lived. This is my life. I will live it. Those impeding on my life with anything affecting the root core of who and what I am, in a negative way, will find themselves amputated from my life.
I simply cannot afford to have any more of my heart eaten away.
You would think all of the above makes me a very vulnerable, fragile person with a frail shell of confidence. But in fact, it now comes to a point where I am strong inside. The strength that comes from accepting weakness, accepting limitations and accepting the fact I have emotional insecurities, problems in my psyche and mental imbalances that make me 'abnormal', whatever the hell normal is meant to be.
I don't have time for people's petty jealousies, cattiness, bitchiness, trying to drag me down. I laugh at the last one. I have been to the very pit of my own personal hellish abyss, you really think mere words will hurt me? You cannot say anything I have not heard a million times before, and probably phrased more articulately, come to that.
I have a sense of personal freedom now. Happiness from accepting unhappiness.
You know what world? I'm me. Accept me as I am, insanity, distrust, contradictions, hyposcrisy and all. I am here to live my life, the way I want to live it, and noone can stop me.
We all have this one chance to live our short lives, why should we let other people dictate to us how it is done, when they get their own chance of life anyway?
Step out with confidence, bluff or not. Appear eager to live. Head up, shoulders back, have a passion for life and what YOU want to achieve, without anyone telling you.
Believe in yourself and you can dominate the world.
Rant over ;)
xxxx
.
Yes I have been on a bit of a world domination spree lately. Ok, not just lately I admit, it's in my blood, my nature, my character. I wasn't always this way. Used to be a doormat in my youth, but times change us and any knocks or bad experiences just callous the heart and make us harder. I have had my share of those, more than my fair share, in fact.
However in the words of beautiful Pink, 'I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned'.
Better to be harsh, embittered, hard, domineering and cynical than a naive, gullible, soppy, blase, innocent doormat? Well perhaps not for everyone, but this is my armour and I'd rather keep it on, thank you.
My protection is to be ruthless, cut-throat and vicious at times. Attack is the best form of defence after all. I can appear heartless, vindictive and ice cold, as anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of my ranting tirades will agree.
It is an awful way to view the world, perhaps, in some people's opinion. Why not be optimistic, expect the best from people, put faith in humanity? I would so love to be like that but we are only the sum of our experiences, and mine have taught me to be careful, very careful in dealing with the world and its people. I would rather expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised than put my faith in people or things just to yet again be let down.
There are only so many times you can be let down and your heart cut entirely into pieces before you lose the ability to just trust blindly. Once bitten twice shy, hell hath no fury.. all these sayings have an element of truth and reflect parts of the human psyche.
These days I use the fact that I look fairly innocent (I like to think, anyway) to my advantage. I don't think I look old and embittered, not as much as I feel at times anyway! I have come close to death several times and now I view life with different eyes. it is here to be lived. This is my life. I will live it. Those impeding on my life with anything affecting the root core of who and what I am, in a negative way, will find themselves amputated from my life.
I simply cannot afford to have any more of my heart eaten away.
You would think all of the above makes me a very vulnerable, fragile person with a frail shell of confidence. But in fact, it now comes to a point where I am strong inside. The strength that comes from accepting weakness, accepting limitations and accepting the fact I have emotional insecurities, problems in my psyche and mental imbalances that make me 'abnormal', whatever the hell normal is meant to be.
I don't have time for people's petty jealousies, cattiness, bitchiness, trying to drag me down. I laugh at the last one. I have been to the very pit of my own personal hellish abyss, you really think mere words will hurt me? You cannot say anything I have not heard a million times before, and probably phrased more articulately, come to that.
I have a sense of personal freedom now. Happiness from accepting unhappiness.
You know what world? I'm me. Accept me as I am, insanity, distrust, contradictions, hyposcrisy and all. I am here to live my life, the way I want to live it, and noone can stop me.
We all have this one chance to live our short lives, why should we let other people dictate to us how it is done, when they get their own chance of life anyway?
Step out with confidence, bluff or not. Appear eager to live. Head up, shoulders back, have a passion for life and what YOU want to achieve, without anyone telling you.
Believe in yourself and you can dominate the world.
Rant over ;)
xxxx
.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
My Brief 'Dear Knob' Letters
This is a blog post inspired by the Dear John thread on the LoveHoney forums, I started to post this there but it is unfair to inflict such darkness to a happy place, I will retain it for my blog and those who choose to delve into my mind rather than having it thrust upon them.
To knob No 1 - Thanks for killing any of my self belief when I was a 15 year old naive and Christian child, too hidden from the world to really know anything of relationships. A ten years older man with odd cultural beliefs and in the medical profession was just what I needed between the ages of 15-18 obviously. Especially as you were such close friends with a paedophile and knew about it, not telling me and letting me take my little brother to his house so we could all watch dvds and you and he could get off on just being with us. Thanks for also keeping notes on my 'good' points and 'bad' points so that I never felt I really matched up to your expectations and standards, letting your brother refer to me merely as 'woman' and espescially thank you for controlling what I wore, who I was friends with, writing doctors notes so I didn't have to go to school/college and therefore didn't do as well as I possibly could have in my A-Levels particularly, using me to do all the chores, lying to my parents, beating me up then getting me to cover the bruises, leaving money on the side as 'pocket money'... yeah thanks. Eventually promising we would be together after 6 months while you got yourself together in South Africa, you eventually got the balls to call a week later and say you were actually in Canada and that I should wait 2 years for you. I took pleasure in finally summoning up strength to tell you to go rot in hell, from my new home in Ireland with a supportive girl and potential new male partner in the offing (yes I did run rel to rel), and taking £1,000 off you for the pleasure. Good riddance knob No 1.
To knob No 2 - your poetry and compassion after knob No 1 was refreshing, it felt like you really cared about me. However it became apparent in the two years we wasted together that you were nothing more than a manipulative evil man, who just liked having control over someone. Thank you (in no particular order) for beating me in broad daylight as well as in the house with that cane you carried which was for your so-called 'bad back', leading everyone to feel sorry for you and think I was complaining about nothing if I ever mentioned anything in the least negative. Thanks for forcing me back onto the stairs so I had bruises for a month up my spine. Thanks for holding me out face first from an upstairs window over a busy road while screaming into my ear what a bitch I was. Thanks for making me hide away in cupboards while your friends came round cos you didnt want me seeing how you were with other women or letting other people know you had a partner, or disturbing your immature 'lad' nights with James Bond, Lara Croft and various porn dvds/lad mags. Thanks for the random issues I have to this day which don't fit at all with the rest of my open-minded personality! Thanks for forcing me to wake every morning to a huge poster on the ceiling of a half naked woman, so the first thing burned into my eyes was the model of a perfect and sexy body which I at 18, obviously compared myself to daily and was crushed deeper into self hate. Thanks fornot bothering to visit when I was in hospital after the ODs and then locking me out when I returned. Thanks for making me sit on the doorstep all night on a number of occasions, crying so hard I regularly tore the muscles between my ribs. Thanks for eventually not believing me about the assault...
Which leads to knobs 3 & 4 - thanks for ripping from me any trace of innocence, so harshly so brutally, at the very time I finally believed I had some freedom with a basic till job, on an employee night out, which I was actually allowed to go on. Thanks for helping to kill any desire for men and any trust. Thanks for drugging me. Thanks for making it so I can still to this day remember every tiny detail despite the fact I say I can't. Thanks for gagging... holding... binding. Thanks for the control obsession I have.
To knob No 4 - Not really your fault. By this stage I was drugged, cut, suicidal, hazy, on anti psychotics and mind altering script drugs, addicted to 15 Xanax a day (yay for stupid doctors) supplemented by anti depressants. In and out of hospital and never without scars running up and down my body, neck, breasts, stomach, hips, thighs, arms. I didn't ever want you, I didn't find you attractive. I found you repulsive. Perhaps you were just there, perhaps I was afraid of sexual attraction.We married, I hated you, we never had sex, I kept my distance, I never had an orgasm during the years I was with you. I worked, I got off the tabs so my physical health at least was better, I left... we divorced. I hope you have a happier life.
A brief history of the longer of my relationships before I met my man. Comes across very 'victim' for which I apologise. I don't want pity or sympathy, I am much stronger now. I needed to let this out onto the world. The above is a summary, without my use and abuse of men, the club times, the payments, the women, the dark hazy druggy 'am I even alive?' times. These briefly mentioned details are the times that stand out as stepping stones to my feelings. You cut me and I bled to the world.
Thank you Lee for being my one.
I love Our song, which you dedicated to me, in your beautiful transparent, sincere, clarity and sometimes painful but always welcomed honesty.
I love you
xxx
To knob No 1 - Thanks for killing any of my self belief when I was a 15 year old naive and Christian child, too hidden from the world to really know anything of relationships. A ten years older man with odd cultural beliefs and in the medical profession was just what I needed between the ages of 15-18 obviously. Especially as you were such close friends with a paedophile and knew about it, not telling me and letting me take my little brother to his house so we could all watch dvds and you and he could get off on just being with us. Thanks for also keeping notes on my 'good' points and 'bad' points so that I never felt I really matched up to your expectations and standards, letting your brother refer to me merely as 'woman' and espescially thank you for controlling what I wore, who I was friends with, writing doctors notes so I didn't have to go to school/college and therefore didn't do as well as I possibly could have in my A-Levels particularly, using me to do all the chores, lying to my parents, beating me up then getting me to cover the bruises, leaving money on the side as 'pocket money'... yeah thanks. Eventually promising we would be together after 6 months while you got yourself together in South Africa, you eventually got the balls to call a week later and say you were actually in Canada and that I should wait 2 years for you. I took pleasure in finally summoning up strength to tell you to go rot in hell, from my new home in Ireland with a supportive girl and potential new male partner in the offing (yes I did run rel to rel), and taking £1,000 off you for the pleasure. Good riddance knob No 1.
To knob No 2 - your poetry and compassion after knob No 1 was refreshing, it felt like you really cared about me. However it became apparent in the two years we wasted together that you were nothing more than a manipulative evil man, who just liked having control over someone. Thank you (in no particular order) for beating me in broad daylight as well as in the house with that cane you carried which was for your so-called 'bad back', leading everyone to feel sorry for you and think I was complaining about nothing if I ever mentioned anything in the least negative. Thanks for forcing me back onto the stairs so I had bruises for a month up my spine. Thanks for holding me out face first from an upstairs window over a busy road while screaming into my ear what a bitch I was. Thanks for making me hide away in cupboards while your friends came round cos you didnt want me seeing how you were with other women or letting other people know you had a partner, or disturbing your immature 'lad' nights with James Bond, Lara Croft and various porn dvds/lad mags. Thanks for the random issues I have to this day which don't fit at all with the rest of my open-minded personality! Thanks for forcing me to wake every morning to a huge poster on the ceiling of a half naked woman, so the first thing burned into my eyes was the model of a perfect and sexy body which I at 18, obviously compared myself to daily and was crushed deeper into self hate. Thanks fornot bothering to visit when I was in hospital after the ODs and then locking me out when I returned. Thanks for making me sit on the doorstep all night on a number of occasions, crying so hard I regularly tore the muscles between my ribs. Thanks for eventually not believing me about the assault...
Which leads to knobs 3 & 4 - thanks for ripping from me any trace of innocence, so harshly so brutally, at the very time I finally believed I had some freedom with a basic till job, on an employee night out, which I was actually allowed to go on. Thanks for helping to kill any desire for men and any trust. Thanks for drugging me. Thanks for making it so I can still to this day remember every tiny detail despite the fact I say I can't. Thanks for gagging... holding... binding. Thanks for the control obsession I have.
To knob No 4 - Not really your fault. By this stage I was drugged, cut, suicidal, hazy, on anti psychotics and mind altering script drugs, addicted to 15 Xanax a day (yay for stupid doctors) supplemented by anti depressants. In and out of hospital and never without scars running up and down my body, neck, breasts, stomach, hips, thighs, arms. I didn't ever want you, I didn't find you attractive. I found you repulsive. Perhaps you were just there, perhaps I was afraid of sexual attraction.We married, I hated you, we never had sex, I kept my distance, I never had an orgasm during the years I was with you. I worked, I got off the tabs so my physical health at least was better, I left... we divorced. I hope you have a happier life.
A brief history of the longer of my relationships before I met my man. Comes across very 'victim' for which I apologise. I don't want pity or sympathy, I am much stronger now. I needed to let this out onto the world. The above is a summary, without my use and abuse of men, the club times, the payments, the women, the dark hazy druggy 'am I even alive?' times. These briefly mentioned details are the times that stand out as stepping stones to my feelings. You cut me and I bled to the world.
Thank you Lee for being my one.
I love Our song, which you dedicated to me, in your beautiful transparent, sincere, clarity and sometimes painful but always welcomed honesty.
I love you
xxx
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