What makes a man attractive?

I have pondered this question for a while now. Being 90% lesbian and 10% straight, I have for a long time thought I was bisexual. I think I find about 4 or 5 men in the entire world in any way remotely sexually attractive to me, but being a woman I of course preen, giggle and flirt along with the best of them.

My gorgeous, wonderful and let's face it - long suffering man is a revelation; kind, compassionate, unselfish. Perhaps not beautiful or handsome in the classic or media induced stereotypical way but he does have a rough manly exterior that belies the softness contained within his heart.

Will do anything for an audience, loves to please and entertain. Kind to a fault but will not take any mistreatment of either his family or himself. Not vain or pretentious. A hard worker and takes pride in setting himself goals in both his work and private life and having the ambition and courage to acheive them.

I have considered that he may be attractive to me merely as the father of my child; but in fact the truth is that I love him completely. For him, as a person, not his muscles (which are scrumptious ;) ), his six-pack, his Jason Statham looks or any rough, brutal, cave-man fun and games. Just the fact that he is the man I love. Him as a person.

Maybe I cannot be attracted to men without knowing of their personality and morality. Having been treated fairly harshly by the men in my life, family and sexual partners, I have been left with a deep mistrust of men and also an inability to believe there is such a thing as platonic friendship. They always seem to be out for more. Any friendly chat or inquiry into my life leaves me distinctly cold and feeling they want more from it, sexual satisfaction being their sole aim.

Perhaps this explains my slightly perverted attraction towards gay men. The ultimate safety. A man who will not pursue me into bed, but will instead only show interest and friendliness out of a sincere regard for me as a person. Someone with courage enough to be 'out' in a world which still shows insensitive attitudes towards homosexuality, for all its determined claims that we are all equal now. Perhaps some still are 'more equal than others', after all.

And so my life brings me to this conclusion: I feel more at ease in women's company if somewhat nervous that they will be able to hurt me if I put trust in them. An emotional hurt. I have been through the emotional pain with men (as well as physical, bearing the scars) and now have given my soul entirely to my man.

I feel free to lust after lesbian imagery, dreams, the emotional bond... feeling that this is where any future fantasy will now lie. Perhaps there are other men out there that I could feel attracted to, in tune with but all evidence so far points to the contrary.

A challenge for all men in the world - to stop being lust driven, emotionally retarded, hunter-gatherer cavemen and actually compile a decent moral code for themselves. Treat women with respect and show sincere interest. Not just in whether you can eventually have her in bed, but whether you can meet on a friendly level and remain happy with that. Not all relationships have to end in bed, I'm sure.

Parts of me feel resolved, while other parts remain so confused. I am an emotionally driven being, sensitive and easy to hurt. I think perhaps this is why I now keep an emotional distance from men, they have hurt me so much in the past. As long as I remain sexually attractive to them, they can at least show their honesty with voracious lust and we all have the reassurance of knowing where we stand.

Perhaps I feel there is nothing else in me to offer that could be attractive.

I hate insincerity and lies. I wish the world honesty, to themselves and others.

xxx