Thursday, 3 February 2011

Communicating emotion & needing affection

Feeling in extra need of cuddles at the moment. I don't know whether it's down to the wintry weather, or working full time finally sinking in, or other issues but I have found myself needing more affection than usual in order to keep from being a complete emotional wreck. Mostly it works, anyway.


I feel so safe when in his arms, he surrounds me and comforts me, makes all the worries just dissolve away so easily and I feel peaceful.


For someone that's always found physical affection a difficult process, taking time to trust someone enough and getting over old issues didn't come very easily. Now the floodgates seem to have been opened, and I want to make up for all the affection I haven't had. 


Unfortunately (I think that's the right word), in my life affection has only come from one source. Sex. Parental affection was non-existent and I have not really experienced platonic friendships, there has always been progression to more, or a desire to at least on one side or the other. 


This is not a plea for the violins to start, just an expression of inner feelings and yes some turmoil. I wish to be loved, but in order to come through and trust people enough to be affectionate with them, for some reason my subconscious pushes people to the very edges of sanity like some kind of torturous and rigorous testing programme. Seeing if they really will stick it out, stay with me or whether under my pressures they will do what some part of my mind always fears and expects, and simply drop me. 


I need to know the ones I give my affection to are willing to take me at my very worst, so that I can come through that process feeling safe, always safe to be me, and in that way, the me that eventually shines is the one that is free to be kind and benevolent without fear of being taken advantage of, taken for granted, hurt and abused like so many times before.


There is something special being able to strip off both physically and metaphorically at the end of the day and climb in with the ones you love, feeling at ease with them and therefore with yourself. Something soothing and special. Feeling that it's all ok is a magical moment and not one I take lightly. Flesh to flesh contact is very important to me, that's why I don't give it to all and sundry, only those allowed into my heart.


When not able to connect properly, it makes me sad. I have come to the realisation that I don't deal with sadness in the normal ways, apparently. I get angry when I'm sad. I get angry at myself, for either letting myself get sad or not being strong enough to handle a situation. I get angry because I'm the sort of person to get sad over issues other people have no qualms with. I'm angry and spiky and silent and give off an aura of absolute hatred, misery and despise. I know all this and yet can seem to do nothing about it, the tension just oozes out of me.


At those times, he knows what to do. Maybe it's because he doesn't pick up on triggers like other people. A blessing in disguise, really. He does know when something is up with me, but still can somehow (usually) drag me over to him, unfold my tightly folded arms and unfurl my tightly clenched fists, turn my face up to him and force me to tell him what's wrong. 


It is in the outpouring that I heal. Communication really IS key. You may call it ranting, or venting, but I do need to let emotions out in this way. I know the world and life is not all about me, but at the same time in my head if I keep things bottled up I really can't handle it all that well. It needs to be let out to those I am/should be closest with.


He makes me sit/lie down with him and talk. Holds me as I cry. Listens quietly and calmly as I rant angrily, sometimes saying horrid things to him and blaming him, attacking him. Simply asking why I am doing that will get me to answer calmly about how I feel. It wouldn't be the same if he simply stalked off, to ignore/hate me for weeks on end.


Things don't get sorted that way. But it's difficult when I'm in that spiky, self protective anger mode, to approach another and ask them for their help getting through this process. I don't know any other way to survive sadness, hurt and fear, other than a defence mask and to at least act strong and icy even when I feel I am shattering inside like a dropped glass figurine.


It feels good to use words to explain, to let things out, to not box things up. I am a wordsmith, not an orator. Words are beautiful yet sometimes painful and they hold so much power. With words you can love, heal, arouse, hurt, end or simply connect. The psychological process of raising images, feelings and need in another's consciousness merely through the power of the right words, is something that will always intrigue me. 


I don't really know where I'm going with this, but it felt good to let it out. Thank you for reading ~smiles~




xxx

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